Yesterday, I was at Walmart. Yes, again!!! Sometimes I feel like I live there. Anyways... I got done with all of my shopping and made my way to the deli for some roast beef, ham & colby jack cheese.

While I was waiting for someone to help me, a little old lady pushed her cart up beside me. This woman had to be almost 100. She was so feeble that she could barely push her cart.

She waited there beside me. And waited... And waited...

After about 5 minutes of patiently waiting, I could see the woman starting to get as frustrated as I was. I looked at her, rolled my eyes in disgust and said "This is ridiculous."

We waited another few minutes and then, in the sweetest little old lady voice that I've ever heard, she said to me "You know.... this is bullshit..."

You got that right sista!!!!

And now... for your viewing pleasure... a picture of me, Princess, Tab & Luigi from about 3 years ago.

The whole thing started off yesterday, when Luigi, my 3rd grader, told me about a spelling game they play in class. The students line up, the teacher says a word and as a group, the students spell out the word, each taking their turn at the next letter. If you get the letter wrong, you sit down and you're out of the game. The last person left standing is the winner & they get a prize. Cool beans! Makes sense & it's a good incentive for learning.

Now, here's the catch. If you're the person who says the last letter of the word, you're also out. How is that fair? How is that right? You correctly answer the question and you're punished for it? Yeah... okay then.... And then Luigi informed me that they play this game 2 or 3 times a week and so far he's been one of the "winners" a grand total of 3 times. There are only 6 kids in his class so this number is outrageous to me.

Apparently Luigi shares the same enthusiasm over losing and missing out on a prize. He was being stubborn about something and his teacher had the nerve to say "You're just mad because you didn't win the game." Yeah... well I'd be mad, too. And actually... I am.

After that discussion, he handed me a note. It was a letter that he had written to me as part of his punishment for his atrocious behavior at school yesterday. In addition to having to write this letter (and have it signed) he wasn't allowed to play at recess. Care to guess what he did? You'll never in a million years guess.

Luigi.... was holding his breath. Yeah... that's all. Just holding his breath. No apparent reason. Just sitting at his desk... minding his own business & holding his breath. Here's how our conversation went:
Luigi: Are you mad?
Me: No. Just don't do it again if she has such a problem with it. What exactly did she say to you?
Luigi: She said "do you think that's funny?!?!?"
Me: What'd you say?
Luigi: *shrugs*
Me: You should've just been honest and said yes.
Luigi: *giggles* I did.
Me: Well good. She shouldn't have asked such a stupid question.

Okay... so that's all fine and good. Maybe something about what he was doing was disrupting the class. I don't know. The recess thing kinda ticks me off, too. But what really makes me mad is this letter. It said something like "Dear Mom. I am writing to tell you that I got in trouble today for holding my breath. I should not do this. I could pass out and have to be taken to the hospital. I could also die. Now I know why I should not hold my breath and I will not do it again."

It was at this point that I realized that he was lectured about how dangerous it is to hold his breath. It was also at this point that what I've been saying this entire school year was confirmed! His teacher, is an idiot!!

Hello!! McFly!!! You absolutely cannot die from holding your breath. Not unless you were to pass out and hit your head on something. And in that case, your death would be caused from a fall, not from holding your breath. If he were strangling himself, totally different scenario! But your body is equipped to say "Alright, you're being an idiot. I'll take over from here." And at that point you will either gasp for air or you will, in fact, pass out. (I would bet $1,000 that 95% of the people in the world do not have the will power to hold their breath to this extent.)

Next up came his math homework. "The school has 14 books. There are 3 classrooms. Divide the books equally between the classrooms and give the left overs to the library."

So, being the math whiz that he is.... He says "That's 4 books per class and 2 for the library." Good job. Problem solved. Move on.

No. No. No. First he has to draw a picture and separate the books into groups. When I see him drawing these pictures, I always imagine him being an accountant and drawing a thousand little pictures of dollar signs on his notepad, dividing them into groups and counting them. It's just ridiculous!!

So, after he draws the picture, he has to write sentences to explain the steps he took to figure out the answer. THEN he has to explain WHY he took those steps. BTW, this caused a 5 minute discussion about why it's not okay to simply write "Because it's the right way to do it." LOL

That simple little math problem, the one he answered in 10 seconds, took 45 minutes. Fifteen minutes were spent on him trying to explain to me how his teacher wanted him to do the problem. (Which was TOTALLY jacked up) Another fifteen were spent on me trying to explain that mathematics is the one and only universal thing on Earth with a couple "Your teacher is a moron"'s thrown in there for good measure. Five minutes explaining the polite way to tell his teacher that she can feel free to give me a call!!!!!!!! And the rest of the time trying to come up with a reason besides "Because it's the right way to do it."

This isn't the first time that he's come to me with math problems and explained the genius way his teacher wants him to solve the problem. My biggest issue is that the things he's learning NOW are just the basics that will be needed in the future. It ticks me off to no end to know that she's teaching him the incorrect way to figure out problems and he'll have to relearn all of those skills, the right way.

Okay... Last part of this rant. There are MANY more examples that I'd love to share with you but at this point, my post is already way overdue for an ending.

This year, they've started learning cursive handwriting. Now, think back to when you were in school. Do you remember the big letters that they put above the chalkboard? The ones that demonstrated the correct way to write letters? The ones that, even though it's been 20+ years since you stared at those letters for 7 hours a day, the image is still imprinted in your brain?

Okay... now... imagine that I told you that even though you see those letters all day, every day, you are NOT allowed to write the letters in the same manner that you're seeing them. No. No. No. You must refer to the handwriting book that you've been given.

To me, that's the equivalent of putting a huge poster on the wall that says 2+2=5 and then expecting the students to just remember that the answer is incorrect.

Why???? WHY would you do that????????

End Rant...

Oh hey -- BTW -- I put up the new Site of the Week & Post of the Week at Text Imps yesterday. Make sure you check it out. And pay VERY close attention to the Site of the Week. It's important!

ETA: I should also point out that I love teachers! I think they're under appreciated and under payed. I'm just saying..... this one..... Luh-who-zuh-her!

Now that my panic attack has slightly subsided, let me tell you what just happened.

My son rides the bus home from school and generally arrives between 3:30 and 3:35. At 3:45 I started to wonder where he was.

3:50 - I started to worry. I called next door to see if he'd gone to my in-laws'. Thoughts of crazy students with guns & my son hiding under a desk in terror & overturned busses with dead children started flowing through my mind.

3:55 - I went outside in hopes of seeing the bus come over the hill. I was met in the yard by an in-law and was informed that there were tornadoes in The Ol' Man's path. This was in addition to the knowledge I received from The Stiletto Mom this morning about gale force winds and hail in his destination point of Texas, which already had me worried.

4:00 - I called the grade school 3 times with no answer and was apparently freaking out because, for the life of me, I couldn't remember a single phone number out of the 4 I have.

4:05 - I tried to find the high school's phone number with no luck. Tried to find the bus driver's number with no luck. Tried to call my mom because I know she has his number... no luck.

4:10 - Called next door again. Called the grade school a few more times and recited the phone numbers that I had written down.

4:15 - I'm fully dressed and ready to go out the door when babysitter comes in.

4:17 - Luigi walks through the front door, we all let out a huge sigh of relief and begin the "Where Were You?!?!?" questioning as well as the ranting about the lack of contact from the school.

Apparently, the bus got stuck in deep mud in someone's drive-way.

4:20 - I try to get hold of hubby. No answer. Try again. No answer. Great!!! A tornado has picked up his truck and slung him who knows where!! He's probably dead. Or hurt and stuck under his truck in a field where no one will find him for days. ANSWER THE PHONE!!!!

4:25 - Hubby finally answers the phone. He says everything's fine. The weather is beautiful. We chat for a minute and he's instructed to call his dad.

4:30 - I remember that while I was outside, I checked the mail and received a package. I retrieve the package and don't recognize the name on it. I open it in anticipation of some wonderful gift that one of my new found blogging friends has sent me. What will it be?? I'm so excited!!!

Parts for a saw?? Meh....... I totally forgot I had ordered chainsaw parts from eBay. Talk about disappointed.

4:45 - All is well in Over Active Imagination Land.

About 30 minutes ago, the Ol' Man asked "Who wants to go take a ride in the hearse?"
Princess - No way!
Tab - ME!
Luigi - ME!
Boogie - I go! I go!
Frogger - *crickets chirping*

The Ol' Man decided Tab would be the one to go. He just wanted to take it for a ride around the country block and make sure it was gonna get him to Indy tomorrow.

They left and went for their test drive. When they came home, Tab walked in with this "Holy Hell!!!" look on his face. The Ol' Man was as giggly as a school girl. I thought he must've just been driving crazily or something.

I asked Tab "So... how did it feel riding in a car of DEATH?"
Ol' Man busts a gut!!!!!
Tab "I didn't know that's what it was!!!!!!! Not until we were half way down the road and he told me. I thought you just put a table* in the back!"

LMAO - I guess when Tab was informed of what the car was actually used for, his eyes bugged out and he was ready to get out and walk home!

On another note, THANK YOU to all who stopped by Luigi's website. He's was thrilled to see that he had comments AND a subscriber. You guys are awesome!! =D

If any of you have children with their own blogs and you'd like me to come by and check them out you can either leave a comment here or at Luigi's site. You can also e-mail me at textimps [at] gmail [dot] com if you'd prefer to not publicize the address.

*Table - We are a fleamarketing family and any vehicle we've ever owned that was big enough to haul tables... has.

Luigi is home from school again today. Poor kid was still sick this morning when he woke up. He seems much better now. In fact, he just finally ate again for the first time in a couple days. He chowed down a Spam sandwich. Yes, that's right. I said Spam.

I don't make a habit of buying Spam. The Ol' Man is a truck driver and I bought this can thinking it would be something he could take with him on the road. Well, he didn't take it with him, so it's been sitting in my pantry ever since.

Luigi is a really piss me off* picky eater. I offered him at least 10 different meal ideas for lunch and he turned them all down. Then he decided to go look for himself. What does he come back with but this can of Spam.

"No, you can't eat that. It's at least 6 months old." Then it dawned on me that this stuff is suppose to have the shelf life of a Twinkie & will be what the cockroaches are living off of when we humans die from nuclear warfare. I checked the expiration date and it said Dec 2010. Woohoo, we're in business. The kid hasn't eaten in two days and needs something in his stomach. If the boy wants Spam... he's gettin' Spam.

I got out my griddle and some cheese thinking I'll fry it and make sandwiches out of it. As I'm fighting to get this hunk of meat out of its can, Luigi says "You're not gonna cook that are you?"

"Uhm... Yes. You have to cook it."

"Popo doesn't cook it."

-- Tune in today at 3 for another episode of 1001 Ways To Cook Spam, with your host, Luigi's grandpa.

So again, I read the can. "Fully cooked, ready to eat, cold or hot" Woohoo. But wait. What's this?? "Please do not use if..." I started back at the beginning of the paragraph so I wouldn't miss the FULL warning before I fed this stuff to my children.

Just below the diagrams of how to make a delicious Spamburger, which direction to slice your Spam and just how thick you should slice it (based on if you're an infant or a linebacker) it said "So. Now you know another of the many secrets of SPAM. This knowledge carries much responsibility. It gives you the power to feed yourself and others. You wield a delicious skill that has far-reaching consequences. Please do not use it for evil."

Lurkers beware! I have Spam and I know how to use it!!

*Note - I typed the span style for that strike-through and couldn't figure out why it wouldn't work. Turns out I wrote spam instead of span.

With Christmas only a couple of weeks in the past, I have Ralphie on the brain. Ralphie and his Little Orphan Annie decoder pin & of course the Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!!

Today begins the "up to 90 days" waiting period for my 8 year old son, Luigi.

First off... 90 days? Seriously?? Luigi was none to thrilled to hear that he'd have to wait so long for his Indiana Jones canteen (courtesy of Pop Tarts) He informed me that it will most likely come by the end of next week. And then informed me that it had better come by the end of next week or he will never eat another Pop Tart in his life.

Around here, ain't nothin' comes free. I'm proud to say that my kids know the value of a dollar. If they want something, they work for it and they save their money until they can afford it. There's no such thing as borrowing and paying me back later. If he's willing to swear off of Pop Tarts for all of eternity just because it takes awhile for his shit to show up, can you imagine what will happen if it never shows? All that hard work to earn $5.99 and nothing in return? Oh man...

FYI, I swell up with pride when they hear the words 'credit card' and begin a long winded speech about why credit cards suck and how it's better to just have a little self-control & discipline. "$1 for a box of candy or $100 for a box of candy. Which would you rather pay?" Okay, so maybe I exaggerated interest rates a tad bit, but... they understand my point.

My little boy is growing up. Sending away for his very first mail-in offer. Oh I'm so proud!! It broke my heart a little when he proudly trotted out to the mailbox, put his envelope inside and then realized he wouldn't be able to lift the ever so important red flag. The damn thing was frozen to the side of the mailbox. I knew this because I saw the look of horror on his face as he began shaking the flag like his life depended on it. Oh how I hate Illinois weather.

Don't forget that today is Monday. That means our new Site of the Week and Post of the Week is up at Text Imps.