So, Monday morning, I woke up and began contemplating suicide. It wasn't a question of whether or not to do it. No. That decision had already been made. The questions were How? and Where?

The Ol' Man was home, so at least the kids wouldn't be on their own. That was a good thing. And the pain. The pain would be gone. That would be a good thing, too. All I wanted was for the knife to be taken out of my ear. The pressure behind my eyeballs to be gone. The throbbing pain in my temple to stop. I wanted to feel my right arm and use my hand again.

I walked in circles and pressed on my ear. I held my neck and tried to rub the pain away. It wouldn't stop! Nothing would make it stop!! I thought I was going to vomit from the pain. But then a rush came over my body. I started to sweat. I couldn't see. I couldn't hear. I sat down on the bed... I passed out.

Moments later, how long I'm not sure, I woke up. The pain had not stopped. PAIN!!! Physical pain like I've never felt before. I've given birth to five children without so much as an aspirin to ease the pain. But this!!! This was the most horrible pain in the world. It had to be.

I started taking pills just to make the pain go away even just a little bit. At 8 I took 4 ibuprofen. At 8:30 I took 3 Tylenol. At 9:00 I took some Tylenol with codeine. At 9:15, I took some hydrocodone. At 9:30 I screamed at a 3 month old baby and told her to Please.Just.Shut.Up!!!!!

At 10:00 the pain started to subside. My brain was finally starting to function again. I could see things clearly and was starting to feel tingling sensations in my hand again. I welcomed the tingling because it meant that my arm would surely return to fully functional soon.

The most surprising part of it all was the fact that my mouth didn't hurt. My tooth, the one that lost a 10 year old filling and cracked in half a few months ago, it didn't hurt at all. The gums that were red and swollen and surely infected, they didn't hurt either.

I had called for an appointment weeks ago but the soonest I could be seen was at the end of March. On Monday, when I thought there was no choice but to just end the pain myself, I managed to get an appointment for that afternoon.

They gave me antibiotics which seem to be helping. They were also kind enough to give me some pain medicine that, well, let's just say that for the first time in 3 months, I slept through the night.

This morning, I went back to their office and after being given 4 different rounds of shots to numb my mouth, they were finally able to extract it.

So here I sit.... typing to you. Pain mostly gone..... Just being thankful.....

So, I've basically decided that blogger irritates the crap out of me. It makes me nuts when I try to post a picture and the alignment of it won't work. It also bugs me that the quality of pictures is so BLAH when I use their upload function. I also hate the lack of addons and plugins and widgets and all that jazz.

Another thing I've decided is, I totally screwed up my other site, Text Imps. My plan & goal was to scour the internet for great posts and blogs to feature each week. Instead of finding something good and moving on, I started subscribing. Then... my subscription list grew and grew. Then... I got hooked on about 70 writers (10 that I'm not sure I could live without). And now... I'm screwed. LOL Instead of jumping from one blog to the next, I feel like I have to stop and read and get to know the writers and... ugh... it's an endless cycle that leaves no time for scouring.

Another big part of my plan was to have people submit their favorites. So far, in 3 months, I've only had 3 submissions. Huge downer.

So now, I'm not exactly sure what I should do.

I'm thinking I may move my personal blog (the one you're reading now) over to Text Imps. I'm not sure if I should combine the 2 sites and just do a once a month feature or what.

I'm also thinking that I may completely scratch the idea of running Text Imps. I mean, I liked the idea. I had fun doing it. But all of a sudden, it turned into work. The whole point was to do something that was fun. Read great stuff & share it with others. Where could I go wrong... ya know??

Tonight will be the 2nd week in a row that I'm not updating with new featured articles. I hate feeling like a failure, but right now, that's the only word that's coming to mind. FAIL!

Anyone have any suggestions? I'm 100% open to any ideas, comments, suggestions, complaints, questions....... whatever.......

No, seriously? Whaddup yo?

Usually, when I post, ya'll start leaving comments within 15 minutes. I'm a total comment junkie. I leave my e-mail checker open all day so that I can be informed of new comments immediately!! And get all goose-pimply when I get a new one.

Well, yesterday, I posted and *sigh* I still only have one comment. (Update - 2 now) Where'd you go??? LOL

My tinyurls were broken yesterday. Comment luv was broken every time I left a comment somewhere else. Did my reader updates break, too? Is that it? Were you just not informed?

Was it the prizes? Are they THAT bad? Hahaaa

Fill me in cuz I'm over here scratching my butt head and wondering where all of my super duper beautifully gorgeous commenters went.

Was it the lack of the word vagina that did it?? That was it... wasn't it? LOL Well, fine. I guess I'll tell you what happened to me today.

I had to go in for a postpartum checkup so I could get the ball rolling and get my tubes tied. I found out that my doctor is retiring at the end of April. Because of some stupid law around here, I have to first sign a paper. Then, I have to wait 30 days before they can do the procedure. Since my doctor is retiring, he's not going to be able to do the procedure and blah blah yadda yadda... new doctor... gonna take WAY longer... Fertile Myrtle needs some birth control!!!!

This woman starts telling me some of my options and she's telling me about the Nuvaring (or something like that) She's trying to explain how easy it is to use and how effective it is and the in's and out's *giggle* of how you insert it. And of course all I'm hearing is "vagina vagina vagina" and I'm totally thinking about vaginal irrigation and trying my hardest to not laugh.

But, I finally decided to go with the shot. (Shhh don't tell the Ol' Man! He says it makes me hateful) And FYI - Had a pregnancy test done... and no... not pregnant... duh... LOL

Sooooooooooo?????? Are you gonna enter my giveaway or what, yo???

**UPDATE** Okay - Something is wonky @ youtube. So, as long as you PROMISE you at least WATCHED the video you can leave comments on the giveaway post to be entered.

UPDATE -- Contest Over --
My random generator thingy says that Petra is winner #1 and Samsmama is winner #2.
Email your addies to textimps [at] gmail [dot] com and tell me whatcha want. Petra gets first choice so, Samsmama, if you pick the same thing as Petra, I'll write back and have you pick something else.
-----------

Yay! WooHoo!! A Giveaway!!! Now... Don't get too excited. I'm not giving away a car or a trip to Maui or anything like that. Actually, your "cost" to join is a better reward than my prizes. But, I'm totally doing this anyways.

For the past couple of days, I've been trying to figure out what kind of hoops to make ya'll jump through before you could enter to win my magnificent prizes. And then, this morning, something awesome happened. My favorite pig... yes, I have a favorite. Don't you?... My favorite pig posted a new video on YouTube.

So, when I saw that he'd posted a new video, I ran (errr clicked) as quickly as I could to go watch the new video. In the middle of my hysterical laughter, a lightbulb went off. I'll make ya'll watch the new video!! What could be easier? What could be more entertaining?? Absolutely nothing!

I totally love Putnam Pig. I found him about a month ago. He's 100% kid friendly & that's very hard to find on the net. My kids love him so much that every time he posts a new video, I have to download it and put it on their mp4 players. And, even though I'm a grown woman (shut it) he makes me laugh so hard that I have to pause his videos and wipe the tears from my face before I can continue watching. I.love.that.pig!!!!

When my son started his blog, he told me to put Putnam's website in his links. Within hours, Putnam stopped by and left a comment. I thought that was completely awesome! Then, somehow or another, he found ME and left a comment here, too. I felt like a celebrity had stopped by. LOL

Then, I found out he does the whole twitter thing, too! Oh my gosh!! He tweets at me!! Don't be jealous!!!

Ok... I'm rambling now. Sorry, but, I love that pig I tell ya!!!

The video is an entry for a contest. Everyone's suppose to lip sync to the song Toxic by A Static Lullaby. (Yes, a remake of whats-her-face's song) And the winner is like TOTALLY gonna become famous. I want Putnam to win because I think he's awesome! The more publicity the better! Everyone who has a kid & a computer should know about him & I want to try and do my part to make sure that happens.

So..... the prizes.....

I bought some neat calendars for myself the other day. Then I decided that maybe ya'll would like them as much as I did. So... I went back and bought more to give away. You can click on the pictures to see a bigger picture with more detail. Except for the planner, they're all 16-month calendars.

First up is the Maxine calendar. This chick cracks me up! I hope I'm as cool as her when I hit her age.
Next we have a Happy Bunny calendar. The bunnies are hilarious & this is one of my favorites.
Anita totally speaks to my inner woman. Click on the picture and read the front of the calendar and you'll see what I mean.
Last but not least is the coolest of my finds. This is a family planner. It comes with a magnetic "thingy" so you can hang it on your fridge. You can "track" up to 5 people & it has more than 300 stickers. Woohooo!!!! STICKERS!!!
I'm gonna keep the contest open until midnight on March 7th. On that night, I will do the random number generator thing and I'll pick 2 winners. Each winner will get to pick 1 of the calendars. (First number picked gets to go first)

I'm going to give you lots of ways to enter. But FIRST!!! you have to go watch Putnam's video.

1 Entry - Leave a comment for Putnam on the video & rate it. (don't mention me or he'll totally think I'm stalking him.) Come back and comment here to let me know you're done.

1 Entry - Watch more of his videos and tell me something you find funny about another video.

1 Entry Per Tweet - Tweet this giveaway no more than once every 12 hours. Leave a comment after each tweet.

2 Entries - Blog about this giveaway and/or how awesomely awesome Putnam is. Come back and leave 2 comments.

I think that's it. LOL Now.... go watch the video & prepare to laugh your butt off!

**UPDATE** Okay - Something is wonky @ youtube. So, as long as you PROMISE you at least WATCHED the video (and tried to rate it) you can leave comments here to be entered in the giveaway. We're going on the honor system here, people. I trust ya. *smiles*

Did you ever feel like you were completely alone in this big world? For the past week, that's how I felt. Right up until 2 nights ago when comments started flooding in from the most wonderful people!! You guys are just so awesome! I'll never find the right words to explain how much your comments mean to me. So I will just say... Thank You!!!

Now... seriously... we gotta move on to something else. Cuz those posts weren't me. Well, they were me. They just weren't the normal, happy, clumsy, goofy goober, Chris that ya'll know. Yes, I said goofy goober. And...??

So, check this out. I just got back from Wally World. While there, I saw an older woman on one of those go-cart thingies. She looked quite confused and I could tell she was trying to find something but was having no luck.

Being the kind, sweet person that I am (shut it) I asked if I could help her find something.

"Yes honey. Thank you. I'm looking for vaginal..."

My brain took over and interrupted the sound entering my ears. "All personnel please report to Giggle Control. All personnel to Giggle Control. This is not a test. I repeat... This is not a test."

"I'm sorry. What was that?"
"Vaginal irrigation products. I asked another young lady but she said she'd never heard of such a thing."

Now, at this point, being a farm girl, I'm picturing this ol' lady sitting out in the middle of an irrigation ditch. I was also wondering if she was fighting off the urge to scratch herself.

I remembered that I'd seen some coochie cleaner over by the family planning stuff. So I moved over to that particular aisle and told her I had found it. I assumed she'd turn her little motorized cart around and come pick some out. Instead, she stayed at the end of the aisle and asked me to get one for her. Ugh....

So I look and of course there's not just 1 brand. There are 4 or 5 brands plus the store brand. This is not a decision I should be making for another woman. Especially since it's not a product I've ever purchased for myself.

So I informed her that there were quite a few choices and again, hoped she would drive down the aisle and make her selection on her own. She named off a brand and I went to grab for a box.

Then... I realized that now there was a choice of 1, 2 or 4 bottles per box. Ugh.... So I asked her which count she wanted. She said "Get the one with the most bottles."

"All personnel please report to Giggle Control!!!!"

She probably just wanted to save money by buying more than one bottle or maybe she just wanted to avoid this entire ordeal for a few more months... but in MY head I'm imagining flies swarming this woman's crotch as she swats at them and asks for the BIG box!

So I go to grab the BIG box and I see that there are different uhm..... okay flavors is TOTALLY the wrong word. Uhm..... Different fragrances. Yes, that's it. Fragrances.

At this point, I just grabbed one. I wasn't about to ask the woman if she wanted to smell like vinegar, tulips, roses or vanilla.

Vanilla... lmao.... vanilla goes good with yeast, doesn't it?? Bahahaaa

In closing, I should probably point out that yes, I know douche isn't just for "nasty" people. It's more like preventive maintenance so you don't BECOME one of the nasty. But... I'm a 10 year old boy trapped in a 30 year old woman's body. I have issues... Lea-me-alone

Sometimes I forget just how awesome you guys are. But after the comments I received last night and the ones you wrote this morning while my lazy butt was sleeping, I won't forget again!! Thank you so much to all who commented. And thank you to those who read, but left no mark of having been here. It means more to me than any of you know.

Crying?? Who, me?? No. There's something in my eye. Shut up. =P

I've tried over and over to write this post. I've written 3 different copies but as I went back and read them again, I realized how much hatred and anger I would be shoving in your faces. I'm not a hateful person and I don't want anyone to think that about me. So.... Ctrl-A, Delete, All gone....

Let's see if I can do this again and just give the facts of it all.

My cousin was the mother of 4 kids from ages 11yrs to 3yrs. She was in and out of their lives weekly. They stayed with their grandparents & their dads while she went out and did... whatever it was that she was doing. Now, don't get me wrong. She loved her kids with her entire heart. She just wasn't the full time mom that she could've been. Most of that, I attribute to her upbringing.

She ended up catching a virus that was going around our area. Some got over it in a week and others, like myself, were afflicted for more than a month.

She had been doing some really hard drugs and her immune system was basically shot. She ended up at the hospital one night because she said she could barely breathe.

The doctors did x-rays of her lungs and said they were clear. They said it was asthma, gave her an inhaler and sent her home. She didn't have asthma so obviously their course of treatment did nothing to help.

The next day, she was back at the hospital. They gave her some meds and sent her home. Within hours, she started having an allergic reaction and headed back to the hospital. So what did the doctors do? The same thing any doctor would do. They gave her more of those same meds she was allergic to and sent her home. (Back off from the anger, Chris!!!)

Surprise!! She was back at the hospital within hours. They finally decided they weren't smart enough to figure out what was wrong with her and they arranged for an ambulance to transfer her to a another hospital.

The details of what happened over the next day or so are confusing to me. I don't know why they gave her meds to make her sleep, but they did. And they put a tube in her lungs so a machine could breathe for her. They diagnosed her with pneumonia and said her lungs were more than half filled with fluid. They didn't understand how the first hospital could take x-rays and not see all of the fluid. We were informed later that had the first hospital seen the fluid... well.. I wouldn't be writing this post.

They drained fluid from her lungs and gave her different combinations of medications to try and make her body stop killing itself. One of the meds seemed to be helping but her feet started turning purple and there was a risk of her losing one of her feet. They (not the doctors) decided to stop giving her that medication. (Just fyi, if you have to choose between my life or my foot... cut the foot off, mkay?)

All of a sudden, her temp started rising. She stayed in the 101 to 102 range for days. They tried different meds to try and bring the temp down but nothing worked. And apparently the hospital didn't have an ice machine. I'm all for meds, but, I know that ice helps! I know this from personal experience and I still don't understand why they didn't at least try it.

I walked into her room on March 2nd and the heat in the room almost knocked me back out the door. It was at this point that I went crazy. Why wasn't anything being done to stop her temperature from rising? Who decided to stop wiping her face with the wet cloth? It was helping! Her temp would drop. Why did you people stop? And who!!!!!!!! WHO!!! turned off the fan? Why? Why did you turn it off? Why did you people let her temperature get SO high? And so help me, if I ever find out who turned up the thermostat in her room because THEY were cold..... (Back off, Chris)

They decided to take her off of the meds that were making her sleep. They said it shouldn't take long for her to wake up. After an hour, she didn't wake up and the doctors started talking about turning off the machines that were breathing for her. They said that her body temp had probably killed some of her brain function, but of course, they couldn't be sure.

This is the point where I will totally skip over the details that make the hate come out. And will just tell you that they, very quickly, decided to go ahead and end her "suffering".

The doctors asked that we leave so that they could take out the breathing tube. I stayed by my aunt's side and refused to leave. She told these 2 men from a church to tell all of the 20+ people that were in the hallway, that if they wanted to come into the room during my cousin's final moments, they could. I found out later that neither of these guys did that for my family.

After the tube was out, my aunt & uncle and I went back into the room as well as the 2 men from the church & my cousin's dad. We sat and watched her and talked to her, held her hand and cried because we knew she was about to be taken from us. My aunt had her face buried in my cousin's chest and her husband held her tight. It was at that moment that my cousin opened her eyes, looked around the room and then found me. She stared at me. Tears welled up in her eyes... and then she was gone.

Excuse me for jumping off of the looney train for the day. Don't unsubscribe because of tonight's post. Don't even subscribe because of it. This is not the norm & it won't become the norm. I just have some serious thoughts running through my brain and feel the need to release them.

It's been one year. One year since she died. One year since they killed her. One year since the world of so many people was flipped upside down. Does she care?

Their mother is gone. Do they know why?

She no longer has a sister. Why couldn't they wait just one more day?

He was finally released from prison but only for a few hours. Only long enough to tell his sister's body goodbye. A beautiful face that he hadn't seen in years. Only her voice would comfort him but there was no more voice to be heard.

Her granddaughter's body now rests in the ground. Does she know? Are they side by side, laughing and joking the same way they did when they both walked this earth? Have all mistakes been forgiven? Do they still butt heads and continue to fight?

Did she see her daughter lay at her grave and weep until she could no longer breathe? Does she know that her baby tried to climb into the casket? Did she see her little boy wander around aimlessly? Does she know that her daughter can barely live with herself because she was angry and wished her mother would just die? Does she even care?

Does she know that her lack of judgment has left so many people without someone they love? Would she go back and change it if she could? Does she even care?

Did she see the men? Did she see her uncles, her cousins, her dad and her father break down into fits of rage, anger, hatred, sorrow & mourning?

Why was it her mother's choice? Of all these questions, the answer I want the most is, WHY was it her mother's choice!!!

Does she know that I tried to make them give her time to get better? Does she hate me for not trying harder? Does she know how much I hate her for hurting so many people? Does she know that even though I feel this hatred, I love her more than she ever knew?

Did it hurt when they turned off the machine and she couldn't breathe anymore? Is that why her eyes opened so quickly? Why did she look at me and cry? Were the tears for her family? For her children? For her mother? Were the tears for herself? Did she know they were killing her? Did she know she had killed herself?

Did she enjoy that last fix? Did she know how much it would cost?

Does she even care?