Vaginal What??

Did you ever feel like you were completely alone in this big world? For the past week, that's how I felt. Right up until 2 nights ago when comments started flooding in from the most wonderful people!! You guys are just so awesome! I'll never find the right words to explain how much your comments mean to me. So I will just say... Thank You!!!

Now... seriously... we gotta move on to something else. Cuz those posts weren't me. Well, they were me. They just weren't the normal, happy, clumsy, goofy goober, Chris that ya'll know. Yes, I said goofy goober. And...??

So, check this out. I just got back from Wally World. While there, I saw an older woman on one of those go-cart thingies. She looked quite confused and I could tell she was trying to find something but was having no luck.

Being the kind, sweet person that I am (shut it) I asked if I could help her find something.

"Yes honey. Thank you. I'm looking for vaginal..."

My brain took over and interrupted the sound entering my ears. "All personnel please report to Giggle Control. All personnel to Giggle Control. This is not a test. I repeat... This is not a test."

"I'm sorry. What was that?"
"Vaginal irrigation products. I asked another young lady but she said she'd never heard of such a thing."

Now, at this point, being a farm girl, I'm picturing this ol' lady sitting out in the middle of an irrigation ditch. I was also wondering if she was fighting off the urge to scratch herself.

I remembered that I'd seen some coochie cleaner over by the family planning stuff. So I moved over to that particular aisle and told her I had found it. I assumed she'd turn her little motorized cart around and come pick some out. Instead, she stayed at the end of the aisle and asked me to get one for her. Ugh....

So I look and of course there's not just 1 brand. There are 4 or 5 brands plus the store brand. This is not a decision I should be making for another woman. Especially since it's not a product I've ever purchased for myself.

So I informed her that there were quite a few choices and again, hoped she would drive down the aisle and make her selection on her own. She named off a brand and I went to grab for a box.

Then... I realized that now there was a choice of 1, 2 or 4 bottles per box. Ugh.... So I asked her which count she wanted. She said "Get the one with the most bottles."

"All personnel please report to Giggle Control!!!!"

She probably just wanted to save money by buying more than one bottle or maybe she just wanted to avoid this entire ordeal for a few more months... but in MY head I'm imagining flies swarming this woman's crotch as she swats at them and asks for the BIG box!

So I go to grab the BIG box and I see that there are different uhm..... okay flavors is TOTALLY the wrong word. Uhm..... Different fragrances. Yes, that's it. Fragrances.

At this point, I just grabbed one. I wasn't about to ask the woman if she wanted to smell like vinegar, tulips, roses or vanilla.

Vanilla... lmao.... vanilla goes good with yeast, doesn't it?? Bahahaaa

In closing, I should probably point out that yes, I know douche isn't just for "nasty" people. It's more like preventive maintenance so you don't BECOME one of the nasty. But... I'm a 10 year old boy trapped in a 30 year old woman's body. I have issues... Lea-me-alone
Posted on 5:46 PM by Chris and filed under , , , , | 17 Comments »

17 comments:

Samsmama said... @ March 4, 2009 at 6:52 PM

"Vaginal irrigation products"? How very proper.

I didn't know there were different scents. Is "new car" an option.

I commend you for not laughing. I couldn't have done it.

Terri said... @ March 4, 2009 at 7:02 PM

ROFLMAO

I'm in tears woman!

I don't know how you did it.

Chris said... @ March 4, 2009 at 7:02 PM

New Car... LMAO!!!!

Now that I think about it, I should've told her that the garden hoses were in aisle 30.

Chris said... @ March 4, 2009 at 7:02 PM

ME EITHER TERRI!!! Aren't you proud, though. LOL

Mr. and Mrs. Nurse Boy said... @ March 4, 2009 at 7:59 PM

OH! NO! SHE! DID! NOT!

THAT, my friend, is one of the best posts I have read in a very long time!!!!

Priceless!

Mrs. Nurse Boy

Rachael said... @ March 4, 2009 at 8:32 PM

OMG. I do not even know what I would have done. LOL

Ginny Marie said... @ March 4, 2009 at 8:42 PM

You're a good egg!

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said... @ March 4, 2009 at 9:09 PM

Girl, you can go directly to heaven for that one. Do not pass go and do not collect $200. You are in like flynn. St. Peter's got nuthin on you!

Melanie D said... @ March 4, 2009 at 11:04 PM

That is way too funny!!! I don't think I could have held in the laughter......sometimes it's better not to help people!!!! thanks for the laugh!

bsouth said... @ March 5, 2009 at 6:39 AM

bwahahahahahahahahaha. Crying again - I can't believe you've made me do that THREE times in less than 10 minutes. I've also just fallen in love with Samsmama for the "new car" comment.

Karly said... @ March 5, 2009 at 7:45 AM

Oh, no, I couldn't have helped the lady. I once had to buy suppositories for my son and I almost couldn't do it. The only thing that got me through was motherly love. No way could I choose vaginal irrigation products for a stranger. And, seriously, who calls them that?

PersonalFailure said... @ March 5, 2009 at 8:08 AM

There is no way I could have gotten through that without laughing!

Also, she was buying the bulk box of douche, is there some reason she couldn't go into the aisle and get it herself? She uses it, but she's too good to pick it out?

Stacie said... @ March 5, 2009 at 9:17 AM

lmao, you said DOUCHE

calicobebop said... @ March 5, 2009 at 10:26 AM

OMG - new car! So funny... I hope the lady was pleased with her product. hee hee

Michelle said... @ March 5, 2009 at 11:52 AM

Maybe she is making cookies down there with the vanilla flavor......

HeatherPride said... @ March 5, 2009 at 12:03 PM

Dear God, please, please, please don't ever let me become this woman, so desperate for vaginal cleansing she's willing to accept help from a complete stranger. Can we make a deal now? K, thx.

Amen.

Monnik said... @ March 5, 2009 at 4:39 PM

You crack me up. Funny stuff, and you are a kind woman...

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