Does She Care

Excuse me for jumping off of the looney train for the day. Don't unsubscribe because of tonight's post. Don't even subscribe because of it. This is not the norm & it won't become the norm. I just have some serious thoughts running through my brain and feel the need to release them.

It's been one year. One year since she died. One year since they killed her. One year since the world of so many people was flipped upside down. Does she care?

Their mother is gone. Do they know why?

She no longer has a sister. Why couldn't they wait just one more day?

He was finally released from prison but only for a few hours. Only long enough to tell his sister's body goodbye. A beautiful face that he hadn't seen in years. Only her voice would comfort him but there was no more voice to be heard.

Her granddaughter's body now rests in the ground. Does she know? Are they side by side, laughing and joking the same way they did when they both walked this earth? Have all mistakes been forgiven? Do they still butt heads and continue to fight?

Did she see her daughter lay at her grave and weep until she could no longer breathe? Does she know that her baby tried to climb into the casket? Did she see her little boy wander around aimlessly? Does she know that her daughter can barely live with herself because she was angry and wished her mother would just die? Does she even care?

Does she know that her lack of judgment has left so many people without someone they love? Would she go back and change it if she could? Does she even care?

Did she see the men? Did she see her uncles, her cousins, her dad and her father break down into fits of rage, anger, hatred, sorrow & mourning?

Why was it her mother's choice? Of all these questions, the answer I want the most is, WHY was it her mother's choice!!!

Does she know that I tried to make them give her time to get better? Does she hate me for not trying harder? Does she know how much I hate her for hurting so many people? Does she know that even though I feel this hatred, I love her more than she ever knew?

Did it hurt when they turned off the machine and she couldn't breathe anymore? Is that why her eyes opened so quickly? Why did she look at me and cry? Were the tears for her family? For her children? For her mother? Were the tears for herself? Did she know they were killing her? Did she know she had killed herself?

Did she enjoy that last fix? Did she know how much it would cost?

Does she even care?
Posted on 8:04 PM by Chris and filed under | 13 Comments »


Samsmama said... @ March 2, 2009 at 9:48 PM

I really wish I had some backstory on this, so I knew who you were talking about. Not knowing makes me nervous about leaving a comment. But I will say this, I lost my brother in 2005. Cancer won. It is my personal feeling that when you go to heaven, you are greeted by those that went before you. I often think of my bro playing golf with my Grandpa. And I think of him as an angel who looks down on us all. And whenever I hear of somebody that passes, I pray in bed at night and "tell" my brother to keep an eye out for them. Hope I didn't offend!

Chris said... @ March 2, 2009 at 9:54 PM

No, no offense taken at all. This was actually an edited version because I myself was afraid of offending some readers.

Thank you for commenting. =) And please never feel nervous about speaking your mind here.

Chris said... @ March 3, 2009 at 12:31 AM

So, I'm like, totally gonna comment on my own post again. I just realized how little info I gave in that post. I just wanted to let some of my family members off the hook and let ya'll know that it was my cousin that I was referring to in this post.

And, anyone who would like further details on the entire situation ('d like to hear me REALLY go on about how this whole situation still haunts me 'til this day) you can e-mail me & I'd be more than happy to share the details. *sigh*

Rachael said... @ March 3, 2009 at 1:02 AM

I can really feel your pain in this post. I would like to hear more about it, if you feel like sharing. In the meantime, it sounds like a lot of people are still haunted by it, and that's a shame. (Hug)

Sarah said... @ March 3, 2009 at 3:35 AM

Wow. That IS a lot to have on your mind. I wish I had something to say that would be of any use.

Gina said... @ March 3, 2009 at 5:58 AM

Wow - I'd love to know more, but regardless, I am sorry you have had something like this weighing on you. It sounds rough. All I know is that I have been through making a horrible decision like that and it is never, ever easy.

Stacie said... @ March 3, 2009 at 9:32 AM

OMG, don't ever apologize for "going there", this was painful to read...on so many levels and I don't even know the back story.

HUGS, don't be afraid to take YOUR blog there if it is what you are feeling.


Melanie D said... @ March 3, 2009 at 10:08 AM

I'm glad you have a place to let out your thoughts. *hugs*

HeatherPride said... @ March 3, 2009 at 12:50 PM

One of the best things I have ever read anywhere. I'm so, so sorry. I can tell how much this situation haunts you. I feel the worst for the children - the image of the baby climbing into the casket! It brings tears to my eyes imagining it. I'm so sorry. I hope the children are all ok - as much as they possibly can be expected to be.

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said... @ March 3, 2009 at 1:29 PM

Whoa, I'm sorry you had to go through that. No one should have to feel that pain in our lifetime. But what does not kill us makes us stronger, so keep on keepin on!

Val said... @ March 3, 2009 at 8:55 PM

Thanks for sharing. It was really a powerful post.

Michelle said... @ March 3, 2009 at 9:09 PM

I am behind as always.
What is the back story here? I am really curious.
Sorry for your loss. They say time heals the wounds. I am still struggling with that. How much time? I want to know.

Anonymous said... @ March 5, 2009 at 6:27 AM

Damn, what a time for me to go offline for a bit.

I'm so, so sorry - that beautifully eloquent piece of writing contains so much pain that I'm sitting here crying for you. And I'm a big meany that doesn't cry easily.

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