It's Coming To Get You

The Ol' Man just left for another week on the road. He's going back to Texas again. Let that be warning to anyone who lives between Illinois & Texas. Bad weather is on your way! Remember last week when Kentucky, Arkansas & even Texas froze over? Yeah. Totally The Ol' Man's fault. Bad weather follows him wherever he goes. Actually, it doesn't follow him. It tries to stay about 10 miles ahead of him.

I took a trip to the gas station this morning (18 miles round trip) and got Coke & bread. Guess what I drove. Yeah... The hearse... *shivers* I kept doddling and seriously just didn't want to drive that thing. As I got ready to leave, I told The Ol' Man "I'll be back soon... if the zombies don't eat me." His response?? "It's not the zombies you have to worry about. It's the creepy black shadows that jump around in the back." GUH!!!!!!! Ass!! Like I SERIOUSLY needed to hear that!!

I went out and checked to make sure I could open the gas cap. Didn't feel the need to drive 9 miles and figure out I was too stupid to operate it.... or unlock it. Then I peeked into the back to make sure there were no zombies, cats, homeless people or monsters in there. Unlocked the door and got in. At this point I'm totally surprised to see that my brother has removed the window that once separated the driver from the boogieman casket. Crap...

Then I had a nice little conversation with myself about how stupid I was being.

Self, you're being stupid. Don't be a sissy about this. It's not like they carried souls in the car.
What is that smell?
I mean, by the time the hearse got the body, it was nothing more than skin & bones. There weren't even organs left. Right?
Seriously - What the hell is that smell?
I mean... the ambulance always picked up the body to take it to the morgue... right? Or a coroner's car maybe. Hell, a minivan came and got Grandma.
How bad would that suck? If one of my last rides is in a minivan, I will come back and haunt everyone that had anything to do with it. Oh man. What if someone else had to ride in a minivan? I bet that ticked them off. What if....
They don't use the hearse for this sort of stuff. Only for transferring from the funeral home to the cemetery.
If someone comments to set me straight on this lie I've convinced myself of.. so help me....
Okay, just turn around, start it up and go. Oh, check that out. This dash is just like the Caddy I drove in high school. That's cool.
What was that? Is there someone behind me?
Cool. It even does the self leveling thing. Holy crap it's cold. Where's the heater. Does this thing even have a heater?
You don't want a heater in a hearse dumbass. Hot dead bodies stink.
Oh, there's the heater buttons. I forgot they hide them in these Cadillacs.
Oh man, is that what that smell is? Did someone put the heater on too hot? Is that dead body stench? Maybe it's formaldehyde.
Aww yes. Heat. I thought they said it was suppose to be warm today. Lyin' asses. Alright, let's see if I can pull this thing out of here without hitting anything or getting stuck in the mud.

Holy crap someone needs to bleed these brakes.
Bleed... bleeding... blood. I wonder if blood ever spilled out into the back of the car. No. No blood. Just skin & bones. Skin.and.bones!
Why is this jerk on my ass? He's gonna end up slamming into me and killing us both.
How ironic would it be to die in a hearse.
Yeah... just keep starin' asswod. Yes I'm a girl. Yes I'm driving a hearse. Pass me and get it over with.
OMG What if he sees something behind me. Maybe I can't see it because the reflection won't show up in the mirror. You can't see vampires in mirrors right?
Is this speedometer wrong? Why is everyone passing me? I'm going 62. That's well over the speed limit. Okay. This guy's staring at me, too. What is wrong with these people?
OMG What was that!?? I saw something. There's something behind me. Oh.... that was my head in the mirror.
Let's just adjust this mirror here... Why is there even a mirror in this thing? It's not like you can see out the back with all these curtains.
Maybe it's so you can see them when they reach out to grab your head and suck your brains out through your ear.
Go idiot! You have the right of way. See, when you get to the 4-way stop before me, you go first. Frickin' morons! I swear!!

OMG it's cold out here. I knew I was gonna be pumping gas. I should've worn gloves.
*peek into back of car* No boogie man. *go in and pay* *peek into car* No boogie man.
Go idiot!! Come on! People in this town shouldn't be allowed to have licenses.

Wow! Is that a coyote? That looks a lot like my dog. I always thought she was probably part coyote but now that I see that one running....
OMG What was that? Ok. I definitely saw something that time. I am not driving this stupid thing again.
I really do think she must be part coyote.

*walk through the front door*
Ol Man - "So, how was it? Were you all freaked out?"
Me - "I was fine. I was only kidding about being spooked. Ya know, if it had room for more than 3 people to ride in it, I'd actually think about keeping it. But, since it doesn't, I guess we have to get rid of it. That kinda bums me out."

LmAo -- SHuT Up!

... And head over to Text Imps cuz I put up the Post of the Week & Site of the Week last night.
Posted on 10:37 AM by Chris and filed under , , , | 10 Comments »

10 comments:

Ginny Marie said... @ February 9, 2009 at 1:38 PM

A lot can go through your head when you have to drive 9 miles just to get gas! I was either laughing or freaked out while reading...I don't think I could drive a hearse!

calicobebop said... @ February 9, 2009 at 2:03 PM

Oh my GAWD I have had that exact same conversation in my head when I've driven home from a friend's house in the country! Sometime's my mind is my own worst enemy!

Hilarious!

Stacie said... @ February 9, 2009 at 2:43 PM

lol I probably would have had the same conversation too!!!

bsouth said... @ February 9, 2009 at 2:56 PM

Ok, now your voice is in my head. I kept having to check behind me when I was reading this! By the way, you're completely right, they only ever use hearses to transfer the (only skin and bones and nothing else at all) body from the funeral home to the cemetary. You certainly are knowledgable about this kind of stuff.

Terri said... @ February 9, 2009 at 8:56 PM

lol The mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Sarah said... @ February 9, 2009 at 8:57 PM

I needed a good laugh after a long evening - thanks. I'm glad you weren't eaten by zombies.

Terri said... @ February 9, 2009 at 8:57 PM

OH P.S. could your husband not go through Arkansas? The husband likes having power again.

Chris said... @ February 9, 2009 at 11:48 PM

@Everyone who commented -- TY for being on MY side about the creepiness factor of this car!!!

@calicobebop - I SOOOO have that same problem.

@Sarah - You're welcome LOL

@Terri - Sorry chickity. He oughtta be heading through tomorrow night. When he said Texas, I actually had the same thought as you. "Poor guy's gonna be without power again" lol

The Stiletto Mom said... @ February 10, 2009 at 8:21 AM

ROFLMAO...you and your mind are very entertaining. Also? Your husband is coming to Texas? Yeah, tonight in Dallas they are calling for gale force winds and hail. Thanks a lot. :)

Sprite's Keeper said... @ February 10, 2009 at 1:25 PM

I just snorted my soup into my nose while reading this.,
You owe me a new soup! (and a new nose!)

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